I have been reading several articles on victim blaming, as per the up-coming local Slut Walk, and am extremely disappointed at the staggering amounts of victim blaming and rape apologizing in the comment sections.
Over and over again I read statements such as “I think a woman should be able to wear whatever she wants… but she still has to use common sense!” and “Don’t get drunk and put yourself in dangerous situations!” While these may seem well meaning, they both imply victim blaming, as we are all taught in society. We are told over and over again what a woman should wear, how she should behave in order to prevent being attacked. How about we spend even an equal amout of time and energy teaching somthting that REALLY should be common sense – DON’T ATTACK SOMEONE.
Let me break this down. The first statement about a woman using common sense (regarding her apprearance) implies that someone seeing her may not have control over their actions depending on how she presents herself. Therefore, dress down and you won’t be attacked! (FALSE) Dress up and you will be attacked! (FALSE) I keep seeing people (mostly, if not all, men) try to present this sentiment as logic. At what point are people reduced to mindless sex-crazed zombies who are no longer responsible for their actions? At what point do people think it’s all right to attack someone based on their appearance? At what point does a person become an object? They don’t. People are not objects, and you cannot touch someone WITHOUT CONSENT. It doesn’t work like that. I want to know how many people would say a man was asking to be attacked because of the way he looked. I wonder how many male rape victims are told they were “asking for it”. How about children and elderly people who are abused? Are they asking for it?
Heads-up: No one is ASKING FOR IT. No one ever WANTS TO BE ATTACKED.
The second sentiment about women not getting drunk and putting themselves in “dangerous situations” is also very victim blamey. Why shouldn’t a woman be able to go out, have fun, have something to drink, without the fear of being attacked? Why is it up to her to prevent it? The only ONLY person who can prevent an attack is THE PERSON DOING IT.
How about I live my life and you live yours and DON’T RAPE SOMEONE.
This is exactly what Slut Walks are about. Stating that women are allowed to wear whatever they want, whatever makes them feel GOOD about themselves, and in doing so not have to worry about being attacked because of it. Because believe you me, EVERYONE is entitled to that as a HUMAN BEING.
Common sense to me, is not raping someone.
If she’s wearing a short skirt, you don’t rape them.
If she’s drunk, you don’t rape them.
That’s the logic that should be applied here, in every scenario. People often confuse rape with sex, but rape has always been about control.
This stuff doesn’t exist in a vacuum, predators are more likely to attack these victims because THEY ARE MORE LIKELY TO GET AWAY WITH IT BY DOING SO.
The current narrative is not working, and it needs to change.
Another thing to consider is that someone’s definition of “too much” or “open invitation” is often subjective.
If someone comes from a culture where a woman exposing her forearms and the front of her neck is a sign of being “willing and loose”, then do we excuse that man for attacking her if it happens in Canada? No. Do we say “Oh, you should have been wearing a face veil”? No.
We also have to remember to examine our own beliefs of what is an “open invitation” in regards to clothing. If we wouldn’t excuse the man or victim-blame a woman who was dressed conservatively by our standards, but “slutty” by the hypothetical attacker’s standards, then why should we victim blame when it happens to a woman who looks “slutty” to the judge or officers? It’s just substituting one cultural standard for another. It should be about the action taken by the attacker, and nothing else.
I abhor victim-blaming in all forms. Blame shifting, excuse making, denial, mockery and minimization are all disgusting practices that are thrown in the faces of rape survivors. Good job on sounding off. The Slutwalks have started a very important conversation that needs to continue and expand in multiple directions.
However, I have to quibble with regard to the comments about male rape survivors.
You said, “I want to know how many people would say a man was asking to be attacked because of the way he looked.” That is an interesting, if offensive question, from the perspective an actual male rape survivor. The way a man looks is VERY MUCH a tool of rape denial and minimization used by both men AND women when they meet a male rape survivor. While a man’s attire is less likely to be analyzed, his physical fitness, size, aggressive/submissive presence, perceived sexual orientation and masculinity are all weapons to be wielded in their rape denial and mockery.
It happens. It is no less ugly than that which happens to women. That is, of course, when we aren’t turned into a punchline again and again and again. Perhaps you didn’t know that?
You said, “I wonder how many male rape victims are told they were “asking for it”.” A LOT of us are told that. I was drugged, raped and then blackmailed into silence by a female friend of a friend.
I was alone with a woman I didn’t know well. I was asking for it.
I didn’t say no to the drinks she bought me. I was asking for it.
I didn’t fight back with physical violence after the drugs wore off and the blackmail and threats and screaming at me began. I was asking for it.
I had an erection. I was asking for it.
I didn’t report it to the police. I was asking for it.
I support the Slutwalks that have been taking place worldwide and I speak out regularly as a survivor and trainer. What I cannot support are minimizations based on the gender of a survivor. It seems to me that you have absolutely no idea what male rape survivors deal with on a regular basis. Let me clue you in – it does not differ as much as you may think. We get mocked. We get treated to rape denial, victim blaming, shaming and all manner of disgusting minimizations.
Rather than alienating male rape survivors by making it seem like we have it easy compared to women (the vast majority of whom, like men, have NOT been raped), you should re-examine this topic and view us as the allies we have been for many years to our sister survivors – even while being told that we don’t deserve access to PUBLICLY funded crisis centres that we help to keep afloat with our own paychecks.
We can be strong allies or we can be minimized and alienated. It is time for those who truly care to make a choice.
James, I am very sorry to hear about your abuse. No one should have to go through that. The statement I made was a genuine question, however phrased poorly and in retrospect I can see how the connotation comes off filppant and insensitive. I really apologize for that and I thank you for bringing it to my attention. I will be more careful and thoughtful in the future when dealing with such important subject matter. I also thank you for sharing you personal story for the sake of helping others understand a detrimentally often overlooked perspective. I agree, we all need to help, respect and look out for each other. I wish you all the best!